Looking Back…Reflecting on How Far I’ve Come

Hmm… I’m not really sure what to call this right now or how to go about this.

Some recent life changes have occurred in my life and in the lives of a few people I care about. It’s most definitely putting me in a reflecting mood.

But I was reflecting on my life and how I got to where I’ve gotten a few days after returning back to the semester. Here I am, working at 6 am (I’m a student assistant) with not much happening around me. I’m supposed to be looking at histology, but let’s be real; histo and I don’t really understand each other. So needless to say it’s a bit of a struggle bus.

I remember being so angry the several years I was trying to get into medical school and didn’t get in. I was angry that several people that I knew were getting in, when maybe (to me) they weren’t a great candidate. Or I was just jealous.

Honestly, I was probably just jealous.

But, I couldn’t understand why it seemed like everyone else was getting in and I wasn’t. Why, even though I felt like I was studying hard for the MCAT but was not doing well? Why, even though I had tons of scribe experience was I not getting interviews? Why?

Looking back I realized that I still had several life lessons to learn. I had people I needed to see were toxic in my life. I needed to believe in myself that I could let go and be lost for a bit and still find my way. I needed to branch out, try something new, and really figure out my self-confidence and know where my abilities lie and where my weak spots were. I needed to do some soul searching for myself.

I also needed to meet certain people. People who would make a huge difference in my life. People who would show me what true friendship meant again. Support. But people who would challenge me. I needed all of these life changes.

A different tune if you will.

It was just as pretty of a melody, but it was different. And I liked it.

Honestly, if I would have gone to medical school the years that I was pissed I didn’t get in; I wouldn’t have made it. I was too anxious. Too dependent. Not confident enough in myself or my abilities. I had never truly let go or tried to let myself figure something out that wasn’t “by the book”. I needed all those years to struggle. For doors to slam in my face and opportunities to go by. I’m glad I still tried to get those opportunities, but also glad they didn’t work out. All those tears. All those frustrating times. All of those failures needed to happen for me.

I needed to challenge my relationships in every aspect and see which ones were working out for me, which ones weren’t, and which ones I needed to be more wary of but that would likely never completely be rid of.

I needed to grow up. Find my confidence, stretch my legs, and meet all these wonderful people I’ve meet along the way. I needed to grow so much personally before I could grow professionally and academically.

So to my past self: I know it was hard. It was hard to watch what seemed like everyone get into a medical school, or PA school, or move on with their life. I know it was hard to feel like you were stagnate. But you needed that. You needed to swim around and find out the perimeter of your own pond before you could hop out, travel across the way, and find a new and larger body of water.

You may not be where you want to be, but if it is meant to be or if you want it bad enough; it will happen. You just have to know that even though you really want it right this second, it may not be the right time for you. That’s a hard pill to swallow, especially in such an instant gratification type of world. But just because something isn’t happening right then, or within a few months, or even a few years, doesn’t mean it won’t completely happen for you. Or maybe when you find yourself trying to pursue a route you thought you really wanted, you realized that you actually want something else.

That’s okay. That’s why they call it a journey.

It’s the process itself that you learn to grow and change. Not the end destination.